I recently reconnected with someone I'd been out of touch with since the start of the COVID pandemic. On paper, he's a cliche of a 1950s American male - works in tech, married with kids and a non-working spouse, living on the east coast.
He and his wife have a traditional marriage more characteristic of prior generations - a division of labor, with an assumption that most daily activities will not be shared and that life will occur down parallel paths that intersect at predictable moments.
Months of working from home had brought him to a place he'd never been before - admitting openly to a sense of isolation and solitude he'd never experienced to this degree.
Like many American men, he did not have a group of intimates with whom he confided his thoughts and feelings on a regular basis. He depended on his job and daily routine (taking the train to work; interacting with co-workers; greeting others briefly at religious services) for the entirety of his social needs.
When the scaffolding of these incidental but important social interactions collapsed, there was no readily available substitute. He was completely cut off, with no end in sight.
I'm more accustomed to observing this phenomenon in the reluctant physician retiree - think of the surgeon who one minute has the prestige and companionship of the anesthesiologist and OR team, the next is sidelined by a heart condition that leads him to give up not only his identity but the entirety of his social support system.
COVID has been a stress test for many men, and what they have learned is that the entirety of their social world was poorly diversified; they held it all in a single stock and watched it nosedive.
The lesson here is clear: you need to be more than your profession. Where does that leave many male physicians, who are sociable but often somewhat awkward? How do you start making male friendships later in life?
Here's a short list to get you started:
- Join a sports crew in the form you are most comfortable with. This might mean showing up to the local cycling club early on a weekend morning you have off, hitting the local bowling lanes, joining a master swim class or even learning to curl. If your life is fancier than mine, tennis or golf might be a reasonable outlet to pursue. Finding a jogging or walking partner who is free the same mornings or evenings you are can make fitness something to look forward to. I still recall a pair of jacked guys in the class below mine during med school who staved off the preclinical blues by lifting weights in the gym every day. Your personal version might even take the form of a Sierra Club outing - whatever it is, get outside and start meeting people now.
- Join a service group. Better-known groups with large presences include the Elks, Rotarians and Retired Physician Organizations. For a more local impact, try volunteering at a food pantry, homeless shelter or seek out opportunities through your local religious organization. The need has never been greater, and (to paraphrase Kurt Vonnegut) if you're going to join a gang anyway, it might as well be one comprised of do-gooders.
- Take an art class. My late father-in-law, a talented orthopedist, was able to take his love of fixing things with his hands from bones to bronze when he learned to sculpt in retirement. There's no reason to wait to develop new skills (and new friends). Since retiring, my mother has learned to fuse glass, create collages, arrange flowers, paint in watercolor and construct mosaic side tables and trays made of glass and ceramic shards - she is my fearless role model when it comes to learning to express herself in new ways.
- Pick up an instrument or join a choir. Same rationale as the art class above.
- Learn a game. Were you once a Dungeons and Dragons kid, who measured your charisma based on the roll of a 20-sided die? Perhaps there is a place for you in the world of adult board gamers, who tend to congregate at neighborhood comic book or magic stores on a regular basis. Warren Buffett made it a point to hold a bridge game with the highest caliber players he could find on a recurring basis; it became part of the basis for his friendship with Bill Gates. (I'm less familiar with video gaming, so forgive me if I overlook that niche as a potential source of social interaction.)
I hope this brief list serves as a starting point for the physician whose social life is entirely wrapped up in medicine. While I've written about this with men in mind, I'm certain there are female professionals who have built a similar life.
Start diversifying your friendships now, and you get to avoid the risk of a crash later.